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Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 1, 2006 16:25:01 GMT -5
Senior Wedding >Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited >about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the >wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. > >Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" > >The pharmacist answers "Yes." > >Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" > >Pharmacist: "Of course we do." > >Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" > >Pharmacist: "All kinds." > >Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" > >Pharmacist: "Definitely." > >Jacob: "How about Viagra?" > >Pharmacist: "Of course." > >Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" > >Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." > >Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills,Geritol, medicines for >Parkinson's disease?" > >Pharmacist: "Absolutely." > >Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" > >Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." > >Jacob says to the pharmacist, "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal >Registry."
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Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 1, 2006 16:27:02 GMT -5
God is like... A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like... BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles.
God is like... a FORD He's got a better idea.
God is like... COKE He's the real thing.
(This is great)!
God is like... HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like... TIDE He gets the stains out that other s leave behind.
God is like... GENERAL ELECTRIC He brings good things to life.
God is like... SEARS He has everything.
God is like... ALKA-SELTZER Try him, you'll like Him.
God is like... SCOTCH TAPE You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like... DELTA He's ready when you are.
God is like... ALLSTATE You're in good hands with Him.
God is like... VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.
BR>God is like... DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
(that one is my favorite)
God is ike... the U.S. POST OFFICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination. These are classic!!!!
Going to Dallas
A plane is on it's way to Dallas, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
A flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she has paid for economy and will have to go back there and sit down.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Dallas and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in the first class section, and that she belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for an economy ticket, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Dallas and I'm saying right here."
The copilot tells the pilot that they should probably have the police waiting when they land, to arrest the blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." Then she gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her" replied the pilot, "first class isn't going to Dallas!"
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just minute... " "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up
DEGREES OF BLONDE
FIRST DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SECOND DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
THIRD DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
FOURTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at one and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
FIFTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SIXTH DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly andwhen she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
SEVENTH DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
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Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 1, 2006 16:27:24 GMT -5
English Now I know why my English classes were so hard! If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) I shed a tear when I saw the tear in the painting
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible..
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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