Jokes Galore!

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LOTS OF JOKES are placed here!

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Great funny stuff
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought abou this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table as a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Adam & Eve
> God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
> He thought He might just as well ask them.
> He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to urinate while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
> Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me!
> I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have.
> Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
> Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.
> So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to urinate standing up.
> Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then
he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
> God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
> What's it called?" asked Eve.
> "Brains", said God

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Intelligence test
>> Work aptitude test

>> The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and
will tell you whether you are qualified to be a
professional. Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

>> 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

>> The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

>> 2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

>> Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

>> Wrong Answer.

>> Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the
giraffe put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

>> 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?

>> Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

>> This tests your memory. OK even if you did not
answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

>> 4. There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

>> Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim
across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

>> According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Men – Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of KELLOGG (of course) Corn Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Tower of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. He head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her:
a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite candy, M&M's. Finally she got home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
"Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you frickin fruit loop!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong!

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Moron Law
Subject: MORON LAW 101

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards.

The Stella's are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and Successfully sued McDonald's.

That case inspired the 'Stella Awards' for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:

5th Place- Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

4th Place- 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

3rd Place- Terrence thingyson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr. thingyson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

2nd Place- Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

1st Place- (tied) A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

1st Place- (tied) Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Steeler Fans
> You go Janie!
>
> A first grade teacher in Pittsburg explains to her class that she is
> a Steelers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,
> too, are Steelers fans. Everyone in the classraises their hand,
> except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise
> and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
> "Because I'm not a Steelers fan," she replied.
> The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Steelers fan,
> then who are you a fan of?"
> "I am a Pats fan , and proud of it," Janie replied.
> The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you a Pats fan?"
> "Because my mom is a Pats fan, and my dad is a Pats fan, so I'm a Pats
> fan too!"
> "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no
> reason for you to be a Pats fan. You don't have to be just like your
> parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a moron and your dad was
> a moron, what would you be then?"
> "Then," Janie smiled, "We'd be Steelers fans."

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Small Town Cop
A Police Officer In a Small Town,
Stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But Officer," the man said, "I Can Explain."

"Just Be Quiet!!!" snapped the Officer.

"Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the Chief gets back."

"But Officer, I just wanted to say. . . . ."

"And I Said KEEP QUIET!!!"

"Now You're Going To Jail!"

A few hours later, the Officer checked up on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the Chief's at his Daughter's Wedding.

He'll Be In a Good Mood When He Gets Back."

"Don't Count On It," Said The Man In The Cell. . . . .



"I'm The Groom!!!"

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Housework
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
8. Housework all done!!

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Do Not Drink
A drunk stumbles into a confessional.
The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the
priest knocks on the wall.
The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one,
either!"

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Two letter word???
TWO LETTER WORD???


So a 2 Letter Word has a hundred completely different meanings.

So what is this stuff about English being easy?

There is a Two-Letter Word,
that perhaps has more meaning than any other,
Two-Letter Word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP???

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP???

Why do we speak UP
and why are the officers UP for election
and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report???

We call UP our friends
And we use it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver,
we warm UP the leftovers
and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house
and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite,
and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!!!
To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP,
Look UP the word in the dictionary.
In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page
and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it,
you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time,
But if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One Could Go On and On,
But I'll Wrap It UP, For Now My Time Is UP. . . . .






So............. I'll Shut UP.....!!!!!!!

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Zipper Etiquette
> Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is
> Down.....
>by David Letterman
>
> 10. The cucumber has left the salad.
>
> 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend
> to his bells.
>
> 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright
> and locked position.
>
> 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
>
> 6. Elvis is leaving the building.
>
> 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
>
> 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no
> introduction.
>
> 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
>
> 2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something
> that rhymes with Venus.
>
>
> And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is
> unzipped.....
>
>
> 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see
> your nuts.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Never say to a cop...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one middle finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on McDonald's bag, eating, a hunting rifle in the window: TEXAS

6. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

7. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

8. Knee on wheel, one hand holding extra large daiquiri, other hand holding Popeye's chicken, Mardi Gras beads hanging from rearview mirror, back-seat driver screaming that the potholes are spilling her cocktail: NEW ORLEANS

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Funny Car Joke
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO, it cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be!" thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh and KablaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers in a raspy breath, "Unhook...my suspenders...from your side-view mirror..."

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

This Just In
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!


HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Poor little guy
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big, trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right.

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance.

I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life and then u show up and drink the damn poison."

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Hmmmmm
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter hy do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Indian
Subject: The INDIAN


Subject: Buffalo

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The wr says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.


The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

(hang on, this is really good......)


The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Best husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: "Hello!"



WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"



MAN: "Yes."



WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"



MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."



WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."



MAN: "How much?"



WOMAN: "$60,000."



MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."



WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."



MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $900,000."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"


MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment


Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Blind Cashier
> A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

> She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

> She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

> He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

> She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

> He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

> She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

> "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

> As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind
> salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
>
> The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
>
> The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"
>
> He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is
> £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Hilarious
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this unexpected situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window.


"Uh", yes, officer?""What are you doing?""I'm reading a magazine, sir.


Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat the cop says, "And what is she doing?"



The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening!


"What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir." And her .. what's her age?"


The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

You Know You're From Massachusetts When...
> The person driving in front of you is going 70
> > mph and you are cursing him for going too slow.
> >
> > When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke...not
> > quinine water.
> >
> > You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
> >
> > You almost feel disappointed when someone
> > doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or
> > steal their parking space.
> >
> > You know how to pronounce the names of towns
> > like Worcester, Billerica, Haverhill, Barre and
> > Cotuit.
> >
> > You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in
> > order to get beer.
> >
> > You know that there are two Bulger brothers, and
> > that they're both crooks.
> >
> > You know what they sell at a packie.
> >
> > You know at least one bar where you can get
> > something to drink after last call.
> >
> > You can actually find your way around Boston.
> >
> > Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday.
> >
> > You know what First Night is.
> >
> > You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat,
> > Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.
> >
> > You think the rest of the country owes you for
> > Thanksgiving and Independence Day.
> >
> > You have never been to Cheers.
> >
> > When the words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
> >
> > You knew that there was no chance in hell that
> > the Pats would move to Hartford.
> >
> > You have gone to at least one party at UMass.
> >
> > The curse of the Bambino is taught in public
> > schools.
> >
> > You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.
> >
> > You think Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete
> > ever.
> >
> > You remember exactly where you were when the
> > ball rolled through Buckner's legs.
> >
> > You pray for the Red Sox to win the World Series
> > not this season, but in your lifetime.
> >
> > You know how to make a frappe.
> >
> > You know that "Big Dig" is also a kind of ice
> > cream you can get at Brigham's.
> >
> > You actually know how to merge from 6 lanes of
> > traffic down to one.
> >
> > You never go to "Cape Cod", you go "down the
> > Cape".
> >
> > You think that Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs and
> > Derek Jeter are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
> >
> > You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Plymouth
> > Plantation, or both, on field trip in grammar
> > school.
> >
> > You're aware that there is a town, somewhere in
> > Massachusetts, named Brimfield where they have the
> > biggest outdoor antique market in the world.
> >
> > You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all
> > in one day.
> >
> > You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of
> > strange weather dividing line.
> >
> > You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap
> > group.
> >
> > You know that Ludlow is 90% Portuguese and that
> > Fall River is 90% Lebanese.
> >
> > You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of
> > the English language.
> >
> > You've called something "wicked pissa"
> >
> > You have driven to either Rhode Island, New Hampshire or Vermont for a tattoo.
> >
> > You see people like Steven Tyler (Aerosmith),
> > Dicky Barret (The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones), Tracy
> > Bonham, Evan Dando (The Lemonheads) and Ric Ocasek
> > (The Cars) in the local supermarket and it doesn't
> > phase you.
> >
> > You've slammed on your brakes to deter a
> > tailgater
> >
> > Know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a
> > Frank(ie)
> >
> > Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin
> > Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times.
> >
> > You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on
> > the floor of your car...year round
> >
> > You still try to order curly fries from Burger
> > King
> >
> > You order iced coffee in January
> >
> > You know what candlepin bowling is
> >
> > You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5
> > in sales tax
> >
> > You've pulled out of a side street and used your
> > car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a
> > left.
> >
> > You've bragged about the money you've saved at
> > The Christmas Tree Shop
> >
> > You know what a "regular" coffee is
> >
> > You actually get these jokes and pass them on to
> > other friends from Massachusetts.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

$100
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes."

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Airlines and blind men
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
>Unexpectedly,the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way.... The
>flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the
>passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50
>minutes.
>Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
>The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell
>the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay
>quietly underneath the seats in front of him
>throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he
>had flown this very flight before because the pilot
>approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith,
>we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like
>to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man replied, "No thanks, but
>maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
>
>Picture this:
>
>All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
>when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
>plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
>The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
>tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
>
>True story... Have a great day and remember.. things
>aren't always as they appear.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Having a bad day???
>> Hope you enjoy this.
>> >
>> >
>> > Are ya havin' a Bad Day?
>> > Well, then, consider this...............................
>> >
>> > In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
>> > same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of
>>their
>> > medical condition.
>> >
>> > This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
>>to
>> > do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to
>>why
>> > the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide
>>team of
>> > experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
>> >
>> > The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of
>>the
>> > doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
>> > themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
>> > holding wooden crosses, Prayer books, and other holy objects to
>> > ward off the evil spirits.
>> >
>> > Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
>> > Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
>>system
>> > so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
>> >
>> > Having a Bad Day?
>> >
>> > The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valued
>>Oil
>> > spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the
>> > most expensively saved animals were being released back into the
>>wild
>> > amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
>> >
>> > A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
>> >
>> > Still think you are having a Bad Day?
>> >
>> > A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
>> > fran tically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
>>running
>> > from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
>> > away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank
>>of
>> > wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had
>> > been happily listening to his Walkman.
>> >
>> > STILL think you're having a Bad Day??
>> >
>> > Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of
>>sending pigs
>> > to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
>>pigs
>> > broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
>> >
>> > The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
>> >
>> > What?? STILL having a Bad Day??
>> >
>> > Iraqi terrorist Hay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
>>letter bomb.
>> > It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
>> > was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
>> >
>> > There now, feeling better???

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

What's in A Name?
> The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
> just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the
> Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not
> permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much
> confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
> Picabo, ICU.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

No Slackers Allowed
>A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
>On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
>The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
>A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
>The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
>Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Redneck challenge
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South.
> I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
> >
> 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
> support a 10 pound possum.
> >
> 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks
> in your front yard?
> (A) '65 Ford Fairlane
> (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
> (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
> >
> 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of
> 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are
> required to condense the product?
> >
> 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density
> of the pinetees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The
> plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches.
> How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
> >
> 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
> simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone
> layer?
> >
> 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
> field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
> feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
> collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
> >
> 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with
> an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his
> grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have
> enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
> > gt; 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
> slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average
> traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that
> it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
> >
> 9. A coalmine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The
> mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
> beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered
> Camels will be smoked during the shift?
> >
> 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
> generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by
> the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
> I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?
> It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...
> There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't
&t; repare ya for in this life.
> >
> Hillbilly Hint :
> Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop
> and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with
> them.

[COOLDUDEGAMER]

Medical college
> First-year students at Med School were receiving their first
> anatomy class with a real dead human body.
>
> They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered
> with a hite sheet.
>
> The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it
> is
> necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:
> The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human
> body."
>
> For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
> in the
> butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go
> ahead and
> do the same thing," he told his students.
>
> The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
> took
> turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
>
> When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
> "The
> second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> finger
> and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention."