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Humor
Jan 28, 2006 22:11:30 GMT -5
Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 28, 2006 22:11:30 GMT -5
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Humor
Jan 28, 2006 22:12:16 GMT -5
Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 28, 2006 22:12:16 GMT -5
IMPORT TERMINOLOGY
All Motor Definition: No nitrous, no blower, or turbo. Sentence: That guy wanted to race our Camaro "all motor." We didn't know what that meant so we beat him with nitrous.
Crew Definition: The guys that do stuff for the driver, anytime, anywhere. Sentence: I sent some guys from the crew to return my videos.
DOHC Definition: Dual Overhead Cam. Sentence: I felt so sick, I had to see the DOHC.
Gran Turismo 2 Definition: A video game import guys love 'cause their street cars are slow. Sentence: I spun my Acura playing GT2 and then spilled milk on the sofa.
Jug Kit Definition: Big bore or stroker engine kits. Sentence: I put the 2.0L jug kit in my Acura.
Liter Definition: Measure of engine displacement. Sentence: I took my 1.6L Honda to the store and bought 2.0 liters of Coke.
LSD Definition: Limited-slip differential/transaxle (it's in front). Sentence: I dropped my LSD before the race and couldn't qualify.
NOPI Definition: Summit of import retail guys selling stuff. Sentence: I picked up a plastic ground effects kit and a 2-foot wing at the NOPI show.
Pop-off or blow-off valve Definition: The vent that vents excess turbo boost to the atmosphere. Sentence: My blow-off valve is bigger than your blow-off valve.
SOHC Definition: Single overhead cam. Sentence: When I do laundry, I always manage to lose a SOHC.
Three-inch Definition: The minimum size for exhaust tips. Sentence: My 1-inch exhaust system feeds my big chrome muffler and 3-inch tip.
Torque Definition: Never mind, imports don't have any.
VTEC Definition: Variable timing and lift electronic control. Sentence: Instead of changing cams, I smacked my VTEC with a hammer.
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Humor
Jan 28, 2006 22:12:34 GMT -5
Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 28, 2006 22:12:34 GMT -5
YOU MIGHT BE A RICE BOY IF ...
... you find yourself using the excuse 'yo, but you gots twice as many cylindas, dude after EVERY race ... you drive a 4 door 'type R' ... your gumby pants make it hard to shift ... more than 20 of your mods involve shielding what is actually underneath ... you have stickers that even most asians don't get ... you have stickers for parts you dont have ... you refer to 50hp as the 'big shot' ... your car has so much camber it can drive on its side ... when you drive by, WWII veterans run for shelter ... your exhaust tip diameter is 4 times the inner muffler diameter ... you have 'power by' anything anywhere on a car made by the engine manufacturer ... birds make nests on your spoiler because its taller than the trees ... you sell crack for the image...not the money ... you have 'N/T' polished on the side of car and you don't know what bracket racing is... ... you will only race if the other guy removes four sparkplugs ... you can't race uphills ... you have "All Motor" emblazoned on your rear hatch right next to your 14.50 dial in ... you brag to have nitrous and have a 14.50 dial in ... your exhaust system for your 1.8L is bigger than most Pro-stock cars ... you spent more money on stickers and stripes than your parents paid for your car ... you go to a performance shop and immediately start rummaging through the decal bin ... your tach is bigger than your head ... you have a shiftlight and your car is an automatic ... you refuse to race because it's a "show car" ... your only mods are cut factory springs and a 5" chrome exhaust tip ... at Autocross events you don't participate because you have a drag race setup and at drag events you brag about kicking ass on the autocross. ... you have more lights on the front of your car than the USS Voyager ... you brag about a turbo kit that never seems to get installed. ... your exhaust sounds like a dying Moose ... your bright green $300 air filter is bigger than your engine.
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Humor
Jan 28, 2006 22:13:18 GMT -5
Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 28, 2006 22:13:18 GMT -5
YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ...
You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.
You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.
When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
You bought a race car before buying a house.
You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance): 1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop. 2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel. 3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder. 4) A grease pit. 5) Deaf neighbors. 6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.
You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
You have enough spare parts to build another car.
More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"
People know you by your class, car number, and car color.
You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.
A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.
You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.
You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.
You save broken car parts as "momentous".
You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).
The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.
Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.
You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"
You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.
You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.
You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.
You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.
You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.
You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.
You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.
Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.
You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.
You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.
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Humor
Jan 28, 2006 22:13:35 GMT -5
Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 28, 2006 22:13:35 GMT -5
YOU MIGHT RACE A BUICK IF ...
*Race prepping your car means turning off the ac. *You have a "Big is Beautiful" license plate holder. *You have safety harnesses instead of seat belts for five occupants. *You only have to be careful of traffic AHEAD of you when you merge onto the Interstate *Your race car has never been on a trailer. *You think anything less than a 455 is a small block. *You won't race motorcycles beacuse it isn't fair . . . to them! *You've ever had to take a different route because of bridge weight limits. *You plan road trips from gas station to gas station. *Your wife's car runs 12s. *You painted your riding lawnmower black and turbocharged it. *You think 5000 pound cars and stationwagons are great dragstrip material. *The wrecker service calls you when they get their rigs stuck. *You have heard the phrase "That's a Buick!? from more than 5 punk kids in Daddy's 'Vette after you shut them down. *You have sucked so many bumpers off other cars, your car is nicknamed "The Hoover." *18 wheelers yield to you. *You can fit a month of groceries in your trunk and still run 12s. *You've ever been pulled over for failing to stop at a weigh station. *Your car has more towing capacity than a one ton duelie. *You think every race car should have ac and power windows. *You get signed thank you cards from the presidents of Phillips 66 and Texaco at Christmas. *You think every four door should have a cam, headers and slicks and runs 12s. *The phrase "231? Is that all?" and "That ain't no V6!" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. *You've said "No, it's not an SS" more than 3 times this week. *You've never seen the tail lights of a Mustang GT. *Your friend's 5.0 'Stang runs 13s by being towed behind your car. *The local Mustang guys are claiming they've been abused because your car spanks them so bad. *You've raced your daily driver against a tube frame, blown, nitroused big block powered 'Stang . . . and won.
By Jason Green, Oklahoma GSCA Chapter
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Humor
Jan 28, 2006 22:13:52 GMT -5
Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 28, 2006 22:13:52 GMT -5
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO MUCH HORSEPOWER IF ...
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers. 2. You can't drive your car in the rain. 3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car. 4. You are afraid to drive your car. 5. You spend more on tires than on food. 6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments. 7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash. 8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper. 9. You have to go to the track to buy gas. 10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you. 11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by. 12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. 13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office. 14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding. 15. You arrive somewhere before you left. 16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood." 17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight. 18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge. 19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run. 20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car. 22. You need parachute braking. 23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car. 24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am. 25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...) 26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car. 27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums! 28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???) 29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???) 30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph. 31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner. 32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust. 33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal. 34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments. 35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown. 36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELLOUT. 37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart. 38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That's right ....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE. 39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east. 40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels. 41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline. 42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course. 43. Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel. 44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road. 45. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm. 46. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile."
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Humor
Jan 28, 2006 22:14:39 GMT -5
Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 28, 2006 22:14:39 GMT -5
Classified Ad Translator
Here is a guide to help you decode the real truth behind those classified car ads.
"What the ad says" - "What it actually means."
Must sell - Before it blows up.
Many new parts - I'm sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.
Appraised at $29,000 - By me.
Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.
Needs Front-End Alignment - Some serious frame-straightening wouldn't hurt either.
Same Owner For Last 20 Years - I'd never dream of selling it unless it was as bad as it is.
Must See To Appreciate - It's a scientific mystery as to how a car with bad valves, a cracked block, and no bands left in the transmission can still get to the end of the driveway and back.
Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.
Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.
All Original - Except for the tunnel ram intake, Pro Stock hoodscoop, KMart sunroof, fender flares by Bondo, Krylon paint job, hurky air shocks, mohair upholstery, Pep Boy stereo, and pawn shop wheels.
Ready To Restore - After 8 years of abuse on the drag strip and 20 years in a yield exposed to the elements, it is ready to be restored.
Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring boxes!
Minor Rust - Don't sit down!
Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.
Minor Rust - I though I had it all covered with bondo, but you can still see some rust.
Low Mileage - Only 170,000.
Faster than a 'Vette - A Chevette.
Convertible - After driving under truck.
Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.
Third Owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.
Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
California Car - And has been since it arrived from Cleveland three weeks ago.
Numbers-Matching - The price in my ad matches the number of dollars I'd like to get for it.
Original Hemi Engine - Just installed it last week.
Authentic - To bad the VIN doesn't match up.
Fast - Compared to a Geo Metro.
Looks Great - In dim light.
Always Garaged - That's because it would never run long enough for me to get it out of the garage.
Needs Paint - To cover rust.
New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
Solid as a rock - Rusted solid
Clean - I will vacuum up the 6 month old French Fries 10 minutes before you see the car.
Over $20,000 Invested - And that was just to get it to run.
Restored, With 0 Miles - Won't start.
Restored, With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
Older Restoration - First owner washed it.
One Owner - I couldn't even give it away.
Fully Loaded - Seller is too.
All Options - 8-track player.
95% Complete - Can't find the other 5%.
95% Complete - Everything except the engine.
Low Miles - Ever since the odometer was turned back.
Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.
Rare Model - One of only 500,000 made.
Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.
Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.
Must Sell - Need bail money.
Must Sell - My wife just bought new furniture; again.
Sure to Appreciate - Yeah, that's why I'm selling it.
Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.
Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.
Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
Runs fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.
Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what that means either.
Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will the car.
Needs some body work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
New Tires - Retreads years ago.
Or Best Offer - I'm guessing at the price here.
Well Maintained - I occasionally changed the oil.
Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.
Drives Like a Dream - A nightmare.
No Time To Restore It - Can't find the parts.
Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.
Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.
Car Cover - To help keep out rats.
Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
Looks like new - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
Restoration Started - The rest of the car has been in boxes since 1992.
Fully Restored - Nothing original.
All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
Rare Classic - No one wanted it, even when it was new.
Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
Ran When Stored - But doesn't start now.
Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.
Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
Excellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.
Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
No Disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won't be disappointed.
Loaded with Options - None of them work.
Loaded with Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.
Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.
Drive It Away - I live on a hill.
Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.
Rare Option - Because the factory never offered it.
Motivated Seller - Motivated to get the hell out of town.
Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
Engine Quite - Uses 90-weight oil.
Parts Car - Beyond repair.
Immaculate - Recently washed.
Concours Condition - Recently waxed.
95 Point Car - You think that is impressive, you should see the points on my driving record.
Show Winner - Once got third place in the 1983 Eastern Iowa Star Trek Convention - but that was before the rust got really bad.
Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@# thing goes or I do!"
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Humor
Jan 28, 2006 22:14:55 GMT -5
Post by COOLDUDEGAMER on Jan 28, 2006 22:14:55 GMT -5
Ten Commandments For The Car Collector
1. Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments. 2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger. 3. Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota. 4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car. 5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children. 6. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth. 7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time. 8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars. 9. Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season. 10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.
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